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7 Reasons You Will Probably Get Divorced

I have a favorite new show, Girls. Did you catch last week’s episode?

Leah Dunhams character, Hannah, wittily in her witty little way, professed that even though she’s against the “Industrial Wedding Complex,” she wants to get married in a veil and have a lot of cake trials before she does.

So, what is this Industrial Wedding Complex? As an inquisitive mind, I had to find out what it meant.In his book entitled, I’ll Mature When I’m Dead, Dave Barry wrote:

If the wedding were a solar system, the bride would be the sun; her mother would be another slightly smaller nearby sun; the wedding planner would be a third sun; the caterer, floral installation professional, photographer, videographer, cake design engineer, etc., would be planets orbiting these suns…

Here’s what it boils down to: The Industrial Wedding Complex is America’s obsession with the traditional wedding: the year-long engagements to imposing demands to a compliant wedding party to the choreographed first dance. As American’s, often times we’re putting more energy, thought and creativity into the party than the relationship we’re supposed to be celebrating. That is the core reason behind why more than half of marriages end in divorce.

Sure, I could be a Pollyanna and tell you that yours will be different, that your marriage will last. But, the chances are grim: 60% of couples get divorced.

Can you be different? I want you to be different! I want you to be part of the new generation, those who know what modern monogamy is. Those who are up for the challenge to do what it takes to make their marriage one to be proud of.

Throughout my professional career as a therapist and monogamy planner, I have had the privilege of stepping into my client’s relationships and helping them to connect some dots that had been left out after the marriage. I have seen the ups and downs, rights and lefts and everything in between.

My experience helped me to pin-point the 7 most common reasons you may get divorced. I’m sharing these with you in hopes that you will be different, that you’ll have a better shot and that your marriage will be the greatest pleasure of your life.

1) You’re getting married for the wrong reason.

Too often, couples marry for the wrong reasons. If you’re getting married for more than 3 of the following reasons, think again:

  • You feel pressure from friends, family, yourself or you got an ultimatum from your partner
  • You feel that you’ve been dating long enough and “it’s just time.”
  • You want children
  • Your friends are all married and you hate being the only one who is left out
  • You are trying to stop partying and settle down, and believe that marriage provides stability
  • You’re arguing a lot and you’re convinced that getting married will help your relationship

2) You don’t know yourself well enough.

The single most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you don’t take the time to get to know you, your values, your passions, your limits and your deal breakers, how can you ever share them with your partner? One of the most important things you need to do in order to make your marriage successful is to know yourself well enough to articulate your needs and wants to your spouse in a way they understand.

3) You fail to discuss shared goals.

Look, the way I see it, you can either let your marriage happen to you or you can make it happen the way you want to by creating goals and a vision that you can both get excited about. Having goals for your relationship provides a common passion and adds excitement to your relationship.

4) You’re blurred by the idea of the perfect wedding.

Ok, we can’t leave out the wedding! Yes, the planning and the details are exciting, but don’t make it your singular focus. Don’t let planning your marriage be subsided by planning your floral arrangements.

5) You fail to prepare and educate yourself.

Some of the most prestigious research shows that just 12 marriage prep sessions decrease your odds of divorce by 50%. In addition, there is a marriage movement going on where marriage coaches, educators and experts provide helpful information, tips and skills for couples to help prepare for their marriage. In fact, I’ve worked with couples that say they’d never have an unsupervised relationship again. When you prepare and have someone to help navigate, it makes things better and easier. You wouldn’t go skydiving without some coaching, right?

6) You don’t take the time to ask enough questions

Asking questions in your relationship is one of the most important and inexpensive ways to build a solid foundation for you marriage. Showing interest in your honey… Talking productively about roles, household responsibilities, finances, parenting, social activities, in-laws, intimacy, passions, dreams, love, sex and more makes a difference in the depth of your marriage.

7) You try to do it all on your own

Don’t try to do it all of yourself because you will inevitably get burnt out. If you want to build a solid foundation for a life together, learn how to delegate. Delegating is a sign of a strong leader. Did you know that working with a coach or counselor in the few months before your wedding reduces stress and allows you to enjoy the big day a whole lot more? Check it out… if you and your love meet with a mediator once a week for three months before your wedding, and verbalize differences and anxieties, it will help you with that solid foundation that’s responsible for life long romantic love!!

My hope is that you learn from the mistakes of many others who have taken the path you have begun. Remember though, a mistake is not always a bad thing. In order to truly experience love in its purest form, you must be willing to take risks. If you never take any risks, you’d never make any “mistakes.” And if you never make any mistakes, you wouldn’t learn about the right way to do things for you!

So embrace life and don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake, just make sure you learn something from it to take with you!