To engage in realistic love is to be in a relationship where both parties understand what they want – from themselves and from each other. This positive psychology can build a relationship based on real connection. The problem, however, is that most of us don’t know what the hell we want. I see it often with my clients in my private practice, so I know it firsthand.
So, here’s the key: first get to know what you want before getting seriously involved with someone else. This is emotional evolution. And it will lead to relational evolution.
Most married couples have never asked themselves that question. If you were to ask yourself that, what would be your answer? Share with me here!
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There’s one key to a successful marriage: Being able to know what we want, and to then be able to communicate it to our partner.
You must find a way to be together that brings out the best in both of you. In this way, the relationship becomes strength-based. In this way, you ultimately become responsible for creating your partnership, and for rediscovering the intimacy and romance. It is communication on a deeply emotional level. And you must understand that whether you are doing something or nothing, you are always communicating something. Every minute of every day, you and your partner are either getting closer to one another, or further apart. You must recognize the different forms of communication: verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and cognitive.
Your relationship with your significant other has an impact on everything in your life – your health, your financial situation, your relationships with your children, everything, even including the legacy that you leave when you are long gone.
But you can make a difference. You can join this war against divorce with me and other Modern Monogamists.
We can help change the future in a way that transcends our own marriages and our own lives. Through our collective efforts at redefining commitment, we can help make society itself a better place, helping to propel it into the kind of society where, ultimately, people thrive on the most deep and intimate feelings the universe has made available to us. The kind of society where even war is deflected, and love – true love – becomes the new backdrop of civilization.
Are you joining me? If you’re joining me, let me know in the comments section. So that you don’t miss out on more juicy info… Enter your name and email below to get my tips delivered right to your inbox.
My job as the Modern Monogomist, is in part, to raise awareness about the importance of the commitment we make to the person with whom we choose to take our life journey.
Here’s an interesting fact: thousands of years ago, marriage was a business transaction – a way to protect yourself or a way to perpetuate the species. “Love” never came into play –au contraire. In China, love was seen as a threat; in India, lovers were deemed anti-social; in Africa, love was alienating and in Greece, love was considered a mental illness. Not until the 1500s did marriage become something that was celebrated. Somewhere, along the lines, that all changed. But, we’ve went from one extreme to another. Let me explain.
We are expected to maintain this intense, profound, happily-ever-after for the rest of our natural lives, yet we are left on our own to figure out how to do it successfully.
What if we treated everything in our life like we do marriage?
We would be unprepared; we would be completely unrealistic and irresponsible; we would base everything relating to our lives on an attraction that happens because of chemicals that wear off sooner than we realize. Just like any strong building, marriage needs a strong foundation.
What if marriage came with a better foundation? What if we lived in a world where happily-ever-after was redefined? A world where love – realistic love – ruled the day?
What do you think? Leave us a comment and let us know. Share on your Facebook page, too!
Stay tuned for Part #2.
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I wanted you to take a peek at this rockin’ reel that my team put together to tell you all about Modern Monogamy – and what it means for YOU. In addition to some snippets from major network TV shows, I’ve even weaved in a sneak peak of my up-and-coming Modern Monogamy online TV show. I have TEN secrets to keeping it spicy in the sack with your partner and I’m going to share with you one major one.
There’s no drama or fluff, I am just giving you the simple truths! Watch, learn, get inspired and take action. Why am I sharing all of these intimate secrets with you, compiled easily into one video? It’s because I KNOW you deserve a relationship you love.
So tell me, in the comments below, your thoughts about the tip – will you use it? Have you already tried it? What is happening in YOUR relationship? What do YOU want me to talk about? Don’t forget, I’m here for you and I’m on your side.
Here’s to you and your HOT Modern Monogamy.
PS – Don’t forget that we’ve made it super easy to share our content with your friends and others in your network, so share the love.
- Follow through with something you said you would do, but never did.
- Show him exactly how to please you.
- Initiate a talk about painful or pleasurable memories of people and situations from your childhood together
- When you feel anger towards him, take a step back for 5 minutes. Look first at yourself and what you may have contributed to the anger.
- Be conscious of your self-talk after an argument (guess what? We can convince ourselves of almost anything when we’re angry!).
- Acknowledge and challenge your limiting beliefs about the way you feel about him.
- Do NOT talk to your friends or family in a negative way about your relationship issues.
- Learn Tantra ASAP.
- Feed him the last bite of that yummy dessert.
- Pay attention to the little things he likes- like his favorite candy or beverage. Surprise him with them occasionally.
- Defend him if someone says something negative about him.
- Focus on the things you love about him and who he really is instead of wishing he did “this” or had “that”.
- Be sure to welcome him home enthusiastically and warmly with affection.
- Cater to his inner-child within every once in a while (but avoid being Mommy… that’s just a turn off).
- Talk about things that interest him, like his favorite team or TV show.
- Support his goals and dreams by encouraging him to talk about them more.
- Let him retreat to his man cave.
- Control your emotions, don’t let them control you.
- Surprise him with special thoughtful gifts from time to time.
- Make him feel like a man.
- Be trustworthy.
- Have discretion about private affairs.
- Show commitment by being consistent with your words and actions.
- Be transparent.
- Respect and take care of his belongings.
- Support his relationships with his friends and family.
- Be his shoulder to lean on.
- Find out what drew him to you, and don’t ever lose it!
- Be creative and switch things up between the sheets.
- Always take care of your personal hygiene.
- Giving him your full, undivided attention when he’s speaking.
- Be a seductress at least once a week (even if you don’t feel like it at first.)
- Display just the right amount of jealousy, but NEVER go overboard.
What will you do this week to start getting closer to your guy? Let us know!
PS – Please share on your Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest page with friends you know could use these tips!
Did you know that over 75% of the way we relate to one another is based on non-verbal communication? For such a long time, all we’ve heard from “relationship gurus” is that “good communication is the key to a successful relationship.” Unfortunately, most of the time they either don’t elaborate on what they mean or they try to teach us “communication skills” that will do the trick.
Granted, knowing how to give and receive verbally is an important skill to have in order to get along at your optimal level… but, research says that what is even more important is to be able to use your non-verbal skill to seal the deal!
Let’s take a closer look at some non-verbal communications we may not be being conscious of when hangin’ with our honey:
- Posture makes a huge statement when relating to others. If you’re slouched over and leaning back, what are you saying? To me, it means that you’re disinterested tired; unfocused on what’s going on. On the other had, if you’re sitting up straight and leaning in to your lover, without saying a word you’re saying, “I want to be close to you and see every feature that your face has to offer.” Be careful not to be too much in their face though… give them some room to eat…LOL.
- That brings us to facial expressions. Scene: You’re out together at a good friend’s birthday party. You glance across the room and notice your partner standing at the bar. As he/she is about to turn their head in your direction, you decide you’d like to send them a message with a look. What do you do? Look in the mirror and practice facial expressions that send a message that you’d want your honey to see that says, “I am the luckiest person in the world to be here with you! You are so sexy!” Then, try it next time your out… And hey, at the very least, you’ll get a good laugh out of it when you tell them about your plan later. )
- A private hand signal is an amazing tool for couples to use to communicate without speaking. My honey and I have a handshake that we use to remind us not to argue about petty things. If either of us feels anger being triggered, we take a deep breath and stick out our hand to do the handshake. When we see that hand, we know what it means and it works almost every time!
- Sweet gestures say more then any words could EVER say! When sharing a dessert, giving your honey the last bite. It tells them they’re more important than the food. Walking to the front door when you hear your spouse coming home after work and greeting them with a big smile, kiss and hug can set the stage for a lovely evening together. One of the best gestures is to send a fun gift basket or floral arrangement to your honey’s work. It feels good when co-workers know that you are truly loved!
So remember, talking can sometimes be over rated. Show your love more then you say it and watch as your relationship gets better and better! PS – Can you help us spread the word and let others know about the love we share on this blog?
I have a favorite new show, Girls. Did you catch last week’s episode?
Leah Dunhams character, Hannah, wittily in her witty little way, professed that even though she’s against the “Industrial Wedding Complex,” she wants to get married in a veil and have a lot of cake trials before she does.
So, what is this Industrial Wedding Complex? As an inquisitive mind, I had to find out what it meant.In his book entitled, I’ll Mature When I’m Dead, Dave Barry wrote:
If the wedding were a solar system, the bride would be the sun; her mother would be another slightly smaller nearby sun; the wedding planner would be a third sun; the caterer, floral installation professional, photographer, videographer, cake design engineer, etc., would be planets orbiting these suns…
Here’s what it boils down to: The Industrial Wedding Complex is America’s obsession with the traditional wedding: the year-long engagements to imposing demands to a compliant wedding party to the choreographed first dance. As American’s, often times we’re putting more energy, thought and creativity into the party than the relationship we’re supposed to be celebrating. That is the core reason behind why more than half of marriages end in divorce.
Sure, I could be a Pollyanna and tell you that yours will be different, that your marriage will last. But, the chances are grim: 60% of couples get divorced.
Can you be different? I want you to be different! I want you to be part of the new generation, those who know what modern monogamy is. Those who are up for the challenge to do what it takes to make their marriage one to be proud of.
Throughout my professional career as a therapist and monogamy planner, I have had the privilege of stepping into my client’s relationships and helping them to connect some dots that had been left out after the marriage. I have seen the ups and downs, rights and lefts and everything in between.
My experience helped me to pin-point the 7 most common reasons you may get divorced. I’m sharing these with you in hopes that you will be different, that you’ll have a better shot and that your marriage will be the greatest pleasure of your life.
1) You’re getting married for the wrong reason.
Too often, couples marry for the wrong reasons. If you’re getting married for more than 3 of the following reasons, think again:
- You feel pressure from friends, family, yourself or you got an ultimatum from your partner
- You feel that you’ve been dating long enough and “it’s just time.”
- You want children
- Your friends are all married and you hate being the only one who is left out
- You are trying to stop partying and settle down, and believe that marriage provides stability
- You’re arguing a lot and you’re convinced that getting married will help your relationship
2) You don’t know yourself well enough.
The single most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you don’t take the time to get to know you, your values, your passions, your limits and your deal breakers, how can you ever share them with your partner? One of the most important things you need to do in order to make your marriage successful is to know yourself well enough to articulate your needs and wants to your spouse in a way they understand.
3) You fail to discuss shared goals.
Look, the way I see it, you can either let your marriage happen to you or you can make it happen the way you want to by creating goals and a vision that you can both get excited about. Having goals for your relationship provides a common passion and adds excitement to your relationship.
4) You’re blurred by the idea of the perfect wedding.
Ok, we can’t leave out the wedding! Yes, the planning and the details are exciting, but don’t make it your singular focus. Don’t let planning your marriage be subsided by planning your floral arrangements.
5) You fail to prepare and educate yourself.
Some of the most prestigious research shows that just 12 marriage prep sessions decrease your odds of divorce by 50%. In addition, there is a marriage movement going on where marriage coaches, educators and experts provide helpful information, tips and skills for couples to help prepare for their marriage. In fact, I’ve worked with couples that say they’d never have an unsupervised relationship again. When you prepare and have someone to help navigate, it makes things better and easier. You wouldn’t go skydiving without some coaching, right?
6) You don’t take the time to ask enough questions
Asking questions in your relationship is one of the most important and inexpensive ways to build a solid foundation for you marriage. Showing interest in your honey… Talking productively about roles, household responsibilities, finances, parenting, social activities, in-laws, intimacy, passions, dreams, love, sex and more makes a difference in the depth of your marriage.
7) You try to do it all on your own
Don’t try to do it all of yourself because you will inevitably get burnt out. If you want to build a solid foundation for a life together, learn how to delegate. Delegating is a sign of a strong leader. Did you know that working with a coach or counselor in the few months before your wedding reduces stress and allows you to enjoy the big day a whole lot more? Check it out… if you and your love meet with a mediator once a week for three months before your wedding, and verbalize differences and anxieties, it will help you with that solid foundation that’s responsible for life long romantic love!!
My hope is that you learn from the mistakes of many others who have taken the path you have begun. Remember though, a mistake is not always a bad thing. In order to truly experience love in its purest form, you must be willing to take risks. If you never take any risks, you’d never make any “mistakes.” And if you never make any mistakes, you wouldn’t learn about the right way to do things for you!
So embrace life and don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake, just make sure you learn something from it to take with you!
No matter how hot and sexy a couple is, there will always come a time when things don’t seem to be as fiery as they once were. With the information that I give you here, you have a chance to be proactive and not allow that to happen to you. Sex in the beginning of a relationship, as most of us know, can be very exciting and pleasurable. The chemicals that are dispelled during this time are down right intoxicating but, over time, some couples [rightly] fear that they will never get there again. Luckily, with the right skills and an open attitude, your sex and love life can blow your mind like never before. Following my expert tips, you can have your honey experiencing you on a WHOLE new level that will have them chasing you around like a little love-sick puppy.Not many couples can achieve what it takes to reach this ultimate sexual bliss, but you can start by committing to making your sex life a priority and utilizing some (if not all) of this lil list of sex tips:
Remember that foreplay isn’t just what happens right before sex, it’s a way of treating the person you love. How can you treat your partner better? What can you do TONIGHT to make that happen? Start it in the morning when you wake up and keep it going all day long.
- Put a dot of your perfume on a little spot on his shirt so he can smell your invigorating scent all day.
- Look at each other naked (one at a time) complimenting each other.
- Use a blue light to prolong orgasm
- Partake in mutual masturbation
- Men: make sure you shave your face before kissing passionately.
- Practice different kissing styles.
- Find each others’ erogenous zones (I can teach you how!)
- Write a list of your wildest fantasies, switch lists and commit to doing at least 2-3. This is a great way to be intimate and show your partner you trust them
- Write down sexy things you’d like to hear your partner say during lovemaking, switch lists and commit to saying at least 3-5 things.
- Start-stop technique: Build up the pleasure… then take it away… whisper sexy things while caressing your partners body, then resume pleasure.
- Play sex games… for example: every time one of you says a certain word, you have to make out or give the other a sensual massage.
- Tip for “The One-Hour Orgasm”: Make your love making experience multi-sensory.
- Tell each other a sexy story, then play it out.
- Use feathers or long hair to tease your lovers’ body.
- Timing is everything! Make sure your partner is feeling good and sexy before attempting lovemaking.
- Make and give your partner a “free sex coupon” redeemable anytime they want.
- Use sexting to flirt with your partner throughout the day (be sure to erase the texts just in case there’s a snoop in your life!)
- Dress as each others fantasy lover and stay in character during lovemaking.
- A lot of experts say that married couples looking to get the lovemaking back should plan for sex, I say, plan for spontaneity!!
- Shop for a pleasure toy together—either at a store or online.
- Shop for sexy lingerie and do a in-store fashion show for your lover.
- Shave each other.
- Wake up every day and ask yourself, “How can I give my spouse pleasure today”?
When it comes to long-term relationships (ltr), whatever is just going to happen in your lovemaking has already happened. If you’re looking to add more sex in to your ltr, make-out, touch, fool around and forget about everything else apart from your spouse and how amazing he/she can make you feel… even if you’re not in the mood at first… after a few minutes of teasing and playing, you will start to feel the heat.