Couples therapy doesn’t work!!
And yes, I’ve dedicated my entire professional career to teaching people how to love.
But the fact is, couples therapy doesn’t work. They come out of counseling closer to splitting than when they went in!
It’s not that the therapy itself is ineffective.
Nope! It’s because most couples wait until there’s something glaringly wrong in their relationship before they ask for help or receive relationship education. Here’s an example: if you wait to get a cavity before you go to the dentist, you may be in for a root canal (and a world of pain) …or if you wait long enough, you could even lose that tooth. It’s the same principle with your relationship.
By putting one piece of knowledge into action – it doesn’t have to be like that. In fact, with this one piece of knowledge, you could have all your friends, family and the whole neighborhood asking themselves, “How do they stay so in love? What are they doing differently?”
So here it is… the MOST important thing you need to know to set yourself up for the most successful relationship that you’re capable of… and apart from the more than half of couples who either get divorced or stay together in an unhappy relationship!
*As early on in the relationship as you can, while you’re still excited about one another, set at least an hour a week aside to learn something new or do something different for the relationship.*
These days, you don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own living room to get information. It’s simple, fun and something you can look forward to. During this one hour of time, read a love story together, take an online seminar, talk to a couple that’s been together for a while and find out their secrets. It may seem weird at first (anything new usually is) but it means you’ll be closer and more in love than you thought possible.
Once you feel what a big difference it begins to make over the long-term, you’ll be kicking yourself for not doing it up until now!
What are some of the ideas you do, or have done, to be as in love as you are today?
PS – Stay tuned because in February I am going to be dishing out all kinds of simple secrets on how to stay madly in love with your partner. (And it’s not your mother’s relationship advice!)
PPS – If you love this article and have a friend who would benefit, share the love!
Are you a woman who got “stuck” with the guy who just isn’t romantic? Let me say: it totally sucks when your guy doesn’t get romantic with you.
You’re tired of coworkers getting flowers delivered to the office or your friends bragging about how their guy cooked them a romantic dinner.
Here’s how you can inspire him to be romantic with you:
1. Be the change you want to see. If you want flowers, get him flowers (or a nice bamboo plant). If you want a meaningful sentimental gift, give him a gift. If you want more ambiance to get in the mood for lovemaking, you know where the candles are!
2. Be the best YOU you can be. Do things that make you happy. When you’re happy, he will be happy and it will inspire him to want to be part of that happiness.
3. Get creative. Make it a point to do at least one thing a day to make him feel like a man. For example, let him teach you something or ask him a question about a hobby you know he is passionate about.
4. Use your words. Too many couples don’t talk enough or ask for what they want. Now, I’m not saying to wait until you’re so freakin’ pissed that you end up screaming at him telling him what an unromantic loser he is. I’m coaching you to tell him in a loving way how lucky you feel to be with him and how much you love being close to him. Next, be specific about what you think is romantic (believe me.. you’d be surprised just how intimate a talk about romance can be at the right time and the right place.)
Last but not least
5. Have patience. Don’t expect that in a week or two, you’ll be in romantic bliss. Things take time to implement when you’re attempting to change behavior. Have a positive attitude and avoid saying things like, “I’ve tried that and it won’t work” or “Ugh… how long do I have to do this before I get a damn rose?”
Treating the person you love in the ways above should become a way of life for you. Start forming habits that bring you closer and inspire him to want to give you everything your little heart desires…. He’ll catch on! You picked him for a reason after all.
If you have a story about your relationship that you think could help others… comment below! Let’s girl talk….
Extramarital affairs come in all shapes and sizes, and they usually do not end well. Whether it’s a reckless one-time fling or a long-term affair, this all-too-common betrayal is the ultimate deal breaker and can prove devastating to a relationship.
Experts say that 68% of women and 74% of men admit that they would have an affair if they knew they could get away with it. Of course, most people don’t – get away with it, that is. The novelty and thrill of a clandestine affair creates an endorphin rush that can cloud judgment, reality and common sense. As a result, the cheater may become careless and get caught, or the affair can seem more important than his or her vows, leading to an unsolicited admission of guilt.
An affair often begins innocently enough with a friend or perhaps a colleague at work, but the moment boundaries are crossed – and all couples know what those boundaries are—the relationship will never be the same. It’s a point of no return, a jumping off place where everything that was once assumed sacred and true is now thrown into question.
So, is it possible for a relationship to survive an affair?
The answer is yes, and in fact there is evidence it can actually thrive. Whether you’re the cheater or the betrayed, here are a few things you can do to increase your odds of a happy ending in the face of an affair.
• Avoid making rash, irreversible decisions. The immediate feelings of hurt, rage and resentment are natural, but they can cause you to say and do things you might regret later. A third party professional like a marriage counselor or therapist can help you manage those feelings, take a breath and gain some perspective. Can you still love this person? Are you willing to work through your anger and pain? Is the relationship worth salvaging? Seeking outside help highlights your maturity and dedication to the love you share with your partner.
• Commit. Once you’ve made the decision to try to work it out, you must commit yourself fully. You must recognize and discard all your learned defenses and be willing to talk about uncomfortable, painful feelings and events that you may have avoided in the past. Again, an experienced therapist can help you learn (and implement) some simple communication skills that have probably been missing in your relationship from day one. As you develop your emotional intelligence, you will both become more aware of each other’s feelings and be able to listen to each other and articulate them in an honest, respectful and mature way.
• Admit to any other secrets that may be festering. As the saying goes, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” And if one partner is sick, the chances of your relationship healing are slim to none. Secrets are a cancer that slowly eats away at the integrity of the love and respect that holds a couple together. This is best time to lay everything on the table. It’s now or never, but if either partner is going to hold back, you may as well throw in the towel now.
• No private correspondence. Agree that no email, voicemail, phone conversation or any other form of communication is off limits to your partner. This only makes sense, since secrecy and lies were what fueled the illicit affair. Mutual trust must be re-built, so even if you’re not the cheater, your personal interactions should be an open book. If you’re uncomfortable with the thought of your partner being privy to private communications—even if you aren’t ‘doing’ anything—then you may be sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with the wrong person–someone other than your mate. This is not constructive and suggests you should be working harder at honest communication. You should be able to tell your partner anything and everything, no matter how embarrassing or hurtful. Ultimately, emotional transparency is the goal. No inner secrets.
• Talk to others who have experienced infidelity. Learning about other couples’ experiences (and triumphs) can pull you out of the devastation and loneliness you’re most likely feeling. It can help you to see that you are not the only one who has experienced this – far from it – and that there is life after betrayal. The emotional roller coaster you’re currently experiencing is nauseating but common. If you don’t have friends who have been in your situation, or if you can’t sleep and it’s too late to call someone, there are plenty of online discussion forums. A word of caution: Don’t make the mistake of kibitzing too much with divorcees, even if they are close friends. Someone whose marriage has failed will tend to use you as a sounding board for their unresolved issues and vitriol. Their advice is suspect, because your situation is likely to open personal wounds. Stick with the winners, those who put in the work to salvage their relationships and have made it through to the other side better off.
• Rediscover your partner. Once you’ve worked through the initial hurt and anger and are sorting through your deeper feelings, make it a priority to learn how to appreciate your partner. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. What are the characteristics about him or her that attracted you in the first place? What makes him special to you? What’s good about your relationship, and why do you make such a great team? In the end, make sure you both know that no matter what, you will be there for one another.
• Remember romance? Start making time for each other – in the morning, at night and in between. Make a date at least once a week for lunch à deux. Go out with friends and re-establish yourselves as a couple, since socializing with others helps to establish boundaries and reinforce trust. Spend the night together somewhere on a regular basis, even if it’s just a local hotel.
It may seem impossible in the heat of the moment to reconcile a partner’s infidelity, but if your heart, head and gut tell you that you want to make your relationship work, it is possible. But reconciliation is a fluid process and doesn’t happen all at once. If you can survive the initial emotional hurricane and take a breath—if you can begin to sort through your deepest feelings while remembering all the good things about the person you fell in love with—then your odds of success are good.
Remember: Don’t go it alone! Gather a positive support system that values your relationship (friends, family, counselor etc.). Allow yourself to be angry and to grieve for a period of time, and then make the choice to do whatever it takes to get through this difficult time with the person you love. With an open heart, there is always hope!
PS – Do you have a story about infidelity that you’d like to share? …Don’t worry, we’ll support you with love.
Conflict: /kənˈflɪkt; ˈkɒnflɪkt/ kahn-flikt; verb: To come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash
That’s the official definition, and here’s mine: It tears couples apart. It brings couples closer. Surprising how it can do both, right?
We’ve been conditioned our whole life to think that conflict is bad. However, conflict can actually be used to help you and your mate become closer:
1) Don’t “blow up” and spew your conflict out in public. Schedule some time each week to discuss things that are on your mind that you would like to be addressed. If you want the conflict to bring you closer, it is very important that you and you partner are alone or with a professional mediator. Having an argument in public leaves the door open for others to add their 2 cents.
2) Hold off on discussing any issues while you are entrenched in the emotions. Emotions drive us to do and say things that we later regret. Take some time to gather your thoughts and get them straight before you express them. Controlling your emotions is critical for relationship success.
3) Learn to communicate your issue in a way that your partner will understand and be able to receive openly. Use an active listening approach. A tip is to schedule time to privately discuss your conflict in a calm voice. When you’re finished, ask them to repeat what you have said in their own words so that you know they understand. Once you know they understand, let them know how you would like to handle the situation. Never present a problem without suggesting a solution.
4) Praise one another for being open and honest. Acknowledging that you’re partner has been open and honest shows gratitude and respect, two important ingredients for relationship success. A true sign of love is allowing your partner to admit a wrong or express a feeling freely with appreciation from you, even if you don’t necessarily agree.
These are some tips to use conflict to strengthen your relationship with your partner, lover or spouse. If you and your honey can work out conflicts as I outlined above, then you will have an incredibly intimate relationship that others will learn from, appreciate and respect.Can you think of a time when conflict has helped, rather than hurt, your relationship? Dish to me about it below.
To engage in realistic love is to be in a relationship where both parties understand what they want – from themselves and from each other. This positive psychology can build a relationship based on real connection. The problem, however, is that most of us don’t know what the hell we want. I see it often with my clients in my private practice, so I know it firsthand.
So, here’s the key: first get to know what you want before getting seriously involved with someone else. This is emotional evolution. And it will lead to relational evolution.
Most married couples have never asked themselves that question. If you were to ask yourself that, what would be your answer? Share with me here!
PS – Are you in for some more? Subscribe for more updates below. So that you don’t miss out on more juicy info… Enter your name and email below to get my tips delivered right to your inbox.
There’s one key to a successful marriage: Being able to know what we want, and to then be able to communicate it to our partner.
You must find a way to be together that brings out the best in both of you. In this way, the relationship becomes strength-based. In this way, you ultimately become responsible for creating your partnership, and for rediscovering the intimacy and romance. It is communication on a deeply emotional level. And you must understand that whether you are doing something or nothing, you are always communicating something. Every minute of every day, you and your partner are either getting closer to one another, or further apart. You must recognize the different forms of communication: verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and cognitive.
Your relationship with your significant other has an impact on everything in your life – your health, your financial situation, your relationships with your children, everything, even including the legacy that you leave when you are long gone.
But you can make a difference. You can join this war against divorce with me and other Modern Monogamists.
We can help change the future in a way that transcends our own marriages and our own lives. Through our collective efforts at redefining commitment, we can help make society itself a better place, helping to propel it into the kind of society where, ultimately, people thrive on the most deep and intimate feelings the universe has made available to us. The kind of society where even war is deflected, and love – true love – becomes the new backdrop of civilization.
Are you joining me? If you’re joining me, let me know in the comments section. So that you don’t miss out on more juicy info… Enter your name and email below to get my tips delivered right to your inbox.
My job as the Modern Monogomist, is in part, to raise awareness about the importance of the commitment we make to the person with whom we choose to take our life journey.
Here’s an interesting fact: thousands of years ago, marriage was a business transaction – a way to protect yourself or a way to perpetuate the species. “Love” never came into play –au contraire. In China, love was seen as a threat; in India, lovers were deemed anti-social; in Africa, love was alienating and in Greece, love was considered a mental illness. Not until the 1500s did marriage become something that was celebrated. Somewhere, along the lines, that all changed. But, we’ve went from one extreme to another. Let me explain.
We are expected to maintain this intense, profound, happily-ever-after for the rest of our natural lives, yet we are left on our own to figure out how to do it successfully.
What if we treated everything in our life like we do marriage?
We would be unprepared; we would be completely unrealistic and irresponsible; we would base everything relating to our lives on an attraction that happens because of chemicals that wear off sooner than we realize. Just like any strong building, marriage needs a strong foundation.
What if marriage came with a better foundation? What if we lived in a world where happily-ever-after was redefined? A world where love – realistic love – ruled the day?
What do you think? Leave us a comment and let us know. Share on your Facebook page, too!
Stay tuned for Part #2.
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I wanted you to take a peek at this rockin’ reel that my team put together to tell you all about Modern Monogamy – and what it means for YOU. In addition to some snippets from major network TV shows, I’ve even weaved in a sneak peak of my up-and-coming Modern Monogamy online TV show. I have TEN secrets to keeping it spicy in the sack with your partner and I’m going to share with you one major one.
There’s no drama or fluff, I am just giving you the simple truths! Watch, learn, get inspired and take action. Why am I sharing all of these intimate secrets with you, compiled easily into one video? It’s because I KNOW you deserve a relationship you love.
So tell me, in the comments below, your thoughts about the tip – will you use it? Have you already tried it? What is happening in YOUR relationship? What do YOU want me to talk about? Don’t forget, I’m here for you and I’m on your side.
Here’s to you and your HOT Modern Monogamy.
PS – Don’t forget that we’ve made it super easy to share our content with your friends and others in your network, so share the love.
- Follow through with something you said you would do, but never did.
- Show him exactly how to please you.
- Initiate a talk about painful or pleasurable memories of people and situations from your childhood together
- When you feel anger towards him, take a step back for 5 minutes. Look first at yourself and what you may have contributed to the anger.
- Be conscious of your self-talk after an argument (guess what? We can convince ourselves of almost anything when we’re angry!).
- Acknowledge and challenge your limiting beliefs about the way you feel about him.
- Do NOT talk to your friends or family in a negative way about your relationship issues.
- Learn Tantra ASAP.
- Feed him the last bite of that yummy dessert.
- Pay attention to the little things he likes- like his favorite candy or beverage. Surprise him with them occasionally.
- Defend him if someone says something negative about him.
- Focus on the things you love about him and who he really is instead of wishing he did “this” or had “that”.
- Be sure to welcome him home enthusiastically and warmly with affection.
- Cater to his inner-child within every once in a while (but avoid being Mommy… that’s just a turn off).
- Talk about things that interest him, like his favorite team or TV show.
- Support his goals and dreams by encouraging him to talk about them more.
- Let him retreat to his man cave.
- Control your emotions, don’t let them control you.
- Surprise him with special thoughtful gifts from time to time.
- Make him feel like a man.
- Be trustworthy.
- Have discretion about private affairs.
- Show commitment by being consistent with your words and actions.
- Be transparent.
- Respect and take care of his belongings.
- Support his relationships with his friends and family.
- Be his shoulder to lean on.
- Find out what drew him to you, and don’t ever lose it!
- Be creative and switch things up between the sheets.
- Always take care of your personal hygiene.
- Giving him your full, undivided attention when he’s speaking.
- Be a seductress at least once a week (even if you don’t feel like it at first.)
- Display just the right amount of jealousy, but NEVER go overboard.
What will you do this week to start getting closer to your guy? Let us know!
PS – Please share on your Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest page with friends you know could use these tips!
Did you know that over 75% of the way we relate to one another is based on non-verbal communication? For such a long time, all we’ve heard from “relationship gurus” is that “good communication is the key to a successful relationship.” Unfortunately, most of the time they either don’t elaborate on what they mean or they try to teach us “communication skills” that will do the trick.
Granted, knowing how to give and receive verbally is an important skill to have in order to get along at your optimal level… but, research says that what is even more important is to be able to use your non-verbal skill to seal the deal!
Let’s take a closer look at some non-verbal communications we may not be being conscious of when hangin’ with our honey:
- Posture makes a huge statement when relating to others. If you’re slouched over and leaning back, what are you saying? To me, it means that you’re disinterested, tired, and unfocused on what’s going on. On the other hand, if you’re sitting up straight and leaning in to your lover, without saying a word you’re saying, “I want to be close to you and see every feature that your face has to offer.” Be careful not to be too much in their face though… give them some personal space every now and then …LOL..
- That brings us to facial expressions. Scene: You’re out together at a good friend’s birthday party. You glance across the room and notice your partner standing at the bar. As he/she is about to turn their head in your direction, you decide you’d like to send them a message with a look. What do you do? Look in the mirror and practice facial expressions that send a message that you’d want your honey to see. Maybe a look that says, “I am the luckiest person in the world to be here with you! You are so sexy!” Then, try it next time you’re out… And hey, at the very least, you’ll get a good laugh out of it when you tell them about your plan later. :o)
- A private hand signal is an amazing tool for couples to use to communicate without speaking. My honey and I have a handshake that we use to remind us not to argue about petty things. If either of us feels anger being triggered, we take a deep breath and stick out our hand to do the handshake. When we see that hand, we know what it means and it works almost every time!
- Sweet gestures say more then any words could EVER say! When sharing a dessert, giving your honey the last bite. It tells them they’re more important than the food. Walking to the front door when you hear your spouse coming home after work and greeting them with a big smile, kiss and hug can set the stage for a lovely evening together. One of the best gestures is to send a fun gift basket or floral arrangement to your honey’s work. It feels good when co-workers know that you are truly loved!
So remember, talking can sometimes be over rated. Show your love more then you say it and watch as your relationship gets better and better! PS – Can you help us spread the word and let others know about the love we share on this blog?